A KISS OF GRACE
You may feel uncertain right now, especially in those quiet moments before going to sleep, or just after waking. You may feel this uncertainty like a density within your body, a tangle within your thoughts, or as heaviness within your heart. If youíre not dealing with this rising discomfort by having that glass of wine every evening, or by distracting yourself through being sucked into someone elseís unfolding drama, then you may be feeling a little unhinged every now and then.
Sometimes, in the dark moments, it may feel like all your inner work has betrayed you. Those feelings of despair you thought were resolved return as if completely untouched by your dedication to emotional cleansing. Then, there are also the choices you are now being asked to face; big choices around "showing up" and "making a commitment". And, to add to this, there are moments of such extreme mental confusion, moments in which you would rather run into the darkness of past familiarity than turn and face the challenge of this unfolding instant.
Do not despair.
If this is your experience right now, you are blessed. This is grace kissing a hidden place of hurt in your heart. This is the universe paying special attention to you because you have worked so hard to reclaim your sense of authenticity. You are not failing; you are succeeding. These dark whispers from the past are echoes of a core wound that has for so long caused you to feel unhinged, uncertain, and unable to declare: "This is it! I am now here. I now put every fiber of my attention into this life experience. I am available." This uneasiness is the smell and taste of the bottom of the barrel.
There are those around you right now who may not feel the intensity of this moment as you do. Many are masters at hiding these inner shudders from themselves with socially accepted forms of distraction and self-medication. They may defensively declare, "What are you talking about? Everything is great. I am fine." Bless them as they hide in their carefully concocted cocoons of slumber. Sleep is necessary for those who still require rest.
It doesnít matter what others think. You are fast realizing you can no longer discuss your unfolding experience with anyone. The story you tell, which you have relentlessly told to others over and over, is not a solution and holds no answers. It is just a story; it is not even that interesting. This is the moment, right now, in pivotal preciseness, when you realize you no longer have anyone to ask, tell, or question. There is no one who can know on your behalf.
This darkness you feel surfacing is a causal resonance, that once integrated, transforms your attention from leaning on the outer world to embracing the inner. This moment is the approaching "leap of faith". This is why this unfolding experience is so challenging; because this is the ultimate challenge.
No discussion or debate can deliver you from out to in. Others may say, "I already live this way, I am already at peace with myself." Pay no attention to what anyone says about their experience. Do not compare yours to anyone elseís. When it comes to our inner struggle for authenticity, we humans are masters of self-deception. The fact is it no longer matters what anyone else is going through; it only matters how you are honoring your experience of this awesome unfolding. The moment that you live in now is where the rubber hits the road; whether you respond or react to this moment is where your true spirituality is revealed.
If the moment is dark, feel it and honor it; surrender to its essence. Allow it to be. This ancient darkness now surfaces to be blessed with your compassionate attention. It seeks you to love it so it too may evolve. Yet, throughout this encounter, remember to regularly seed this unfolding moment with a felt-prayer that broadcasts your intent for yourself and so for the world.
Do not hide from what is. Do not hide from anything anymore.
Remember, at some point you are going to be asked to act. Yes, you know you have to step out of your place of seeming safety and make a choice. There is something coming towards you from which there is no escaping. You can feel this; it is tangible. If you attempt to flee, you run blindly into the traffic. Your rising dread is because by making the choice you must make, you are also making a commitment. For so long you have evaded fully committing to your human experience. That glass of wine, that cigarette, that tablet, that TV remote, that continual attempt at "stuffing it down" Ö you have been able to live this way for as long as you remember. Yet, the resonance of "waiting to see what happens before taking that step" is no longer bearable. There is nothing authentic about such a posture. This is what you are feeling right now; all that is inauthentic about your present posture.
This is what this year, this month, this moment, this current perceptual shift, is about; authenticity Ė showing up. No one can tell you what "authenticity" means for you, to you, or what this resonance manifests as when fully expressed through you. You only discover this through acting, not thinking or discussing.
There is no longer anyone to ask "what to do?" There never has been. This is the grand illusion from which you now awaken. This realization is the darkness that now seeks to envelop you late at night, or in the early morning hours. This realization is the teacher coming from within to reveal where you have been going without. As you sink into its arms, so you rise up into yours. This is exactly what is supposed to be unfolding. This is a kiss of grace.
"One way or another
Iím going to find you,
Iím going to get you, get you, get you, get you..." Blondie
"Itís not about feeling better Ė itís about getting better at feeling."
Michael Brown ©